


Eating A Poisonous Lollipop

by lora3210



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: ATEEZ - Freeform, Alternate Universe, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, One Shot, POV Third Person, RPF, San's Death, Woosan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:27:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22985548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lora3210/pseuds/lora3210
Summary: Wooyoung who lost his lover Choi San by a hit-and-run takes his corpse to his home.
Relationships: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	Eating A Poisonous Lollipop

**Author's Note:**

> The motive is Hyunjin Baik's Candy For Adults (어른용 사탕). (<https://youtu.be/io0Iqs3-WDM>)  
> Always thank you for reading my works that still need much effort:)

_San, you remember my pledge that I would die if you left me behind alone._  
_Now I am sucking a poisonous lollipop like sucking your cock_  
_and maybe I will be found as dead in the hill where I am walking._

**―**

On his one hand is a shovel and the another hand holds a big trunk. In the darkness getting faded and the cold air that wraps and freezes his body, once exhaling a deep and hot breath, he stops his step. The surface of the ground with scattered rotten leaves, where he is stepping on, is still so cold that nobody seems to be able to dig it easily. But empowering his hand grabbing the shovel, he starts to stick the tip of the shovel on the ground. As time goes by at its pace, the blackish soils are dug and piled up aside little by little. He seems to be going to keep digging the frozen ground no matter how much tired he will get. Fatigue or cold temperature is no longer a problem to him. The taste of the lollipop he has in his mouth is a mixed one of strawberry and milk, which was once loved by his boyfriend. Remembering a bridge being wet by the raindrops in his dream, more than half of which was sunken by the river, he feels like being choked by a big candy he ate yesterday.

The candy was as big as San's vibrant pupils. When he crunching it, his soft tongue was cut by the rough surface of the candy. Tasting a drop of salty blood, he recalled that night when he saw his boyfriend dead on the street, with forming a bloody puddle at his head. No way to revive him and no way to find out a fucking hit-and-run driver. The only way to be left was taking San to his narrow room.

He tried to wash away the blood on San just as nobody made him dirty. While doing that, trying not to cry out, he vomited on the tiles of a bathroom. San's dead eyes just stared at the front.

**―**

Like storing food in a fridge, he decided to keep San's body in his room. To prevent the body from going bad like rotten strawberry covered with black and white molds, he bought preservatives.

When applying them to San's body, he heard a delighted shouting from a few children's mouths outside the window and felt some kind of anger and jealousy. No matter how sad, disappointed, and discouraged the little kids would feel, he wanted to deprive them of the delight and happiness and give them to San to make him feel alive. But whatever he would do, the vitality that once had flowed in his love's body and brightness that once had glittered in his eyes had been totally gone and would never come back to San who had owned them. He, Wooyoung, unconsciously looked at the clock on the desk. Three-thirty. The time that the sun shines so brightly that it can make people blind. He thought he had already become a blind in the darkness San's death had given. _I can see nothing but San._ Wooyoung's sneering smile rose on his face. He kissed on San's dried, pale hand. The feel of it was not what he once knew.

_But there must be something I can do._ He started to have a one-way conversation to the corpse with the commonplaces such as "How do you feel today?" Though there was no answer, he kept saying his words to him just as he had to do it as his duty. I will prepare breakfast today and the menu is a pancake with strawberry jam. I remember you have teased me that I could not toast it well but since then, I've practiced a lot to make you eat a delicious one. It will be a little bit boring but please, wait for a while. It will not take so long. By the way, before that, can I ask you something? How about 'the thing' yesterday night? Was it good? I tried to share the warmth of my skin and my .....

The corpse just stayed cold and silent like a wax doll.

**―**

One day, upon thinking that San had raised a cat, Wooyoung visited San's empty, cold, and quiet home. Sadly, a cat got too skinny and was nearly dying from starvation. He picked it up, put it into a cat carrier, and went to an animal hospital not far away from his home. A vet, as soon as finishing diagnosis, reprimanded the owner with a kind and quiet voice. How could he leave this little baby alone? Just as he became San himself, Wooyoung made an excuse that seemed to sound not so plausible to the vet. Maybe there must be a reason for leaving the cat alone. Maybe, maybe he couldn't help but going to somewhere far away, where we can't find him well, yes, somewhere we can't find, maybe...

Watching what Wooyoung was doing, she asked, "Are you okay?"

Wooyoung had already burst into tears in front of her. His crying did not stop and he could not do so. The vet asked him nothing.

**―**

Of course, it was not possible to bring him outside. Eating a piece of burned pancake, Wooyoung walked to the front of a sink just as he came up with something. Among some tools hanging on the wall, He took kitchen scissors and came close to where San was sitting. Holding a handful of San's hairs, he started to cut them with all his care. His hand was slightly trembling.

Gathering the fallen hairs, he put them into a small vinyl pack.

He took a bus to get to a zoo where San once liked to go. Behind him were a boy and his mother. We are really going to the zoo, mom? Yes, we can see animals like a monkey, a giraffe, a zebra, a bear, a rabbit and... Suddenly, the boy asked whether there is a mermaid princess. The mom, who might think what to answer for a moment with a little embarrassed look, told her son, "Maybe today she went back home to take a rest because yesterday she worked so hard to make the visitors happy. We may see her on another day because today is Sunday." Staring at his turned-off cell phone screen, he thought that somebody can say 'taking a rest' for the absence of something.

_San is taking a rest now because today is Sunday._ When he thinking like that, San in his memories, still sitting on the chair, looked so peaceful and seemed to be about to tap the surface of the armrest with his index finger immediately. But, grabbing a vinyl pack inside the pocket of a jacket he wore and hearing the sound of it, Wooyoung realized that all his imagination was just an imagination. Nothing was changed at all.

He overlooked many of the animals in the zoo, passing by the cages, and the only one he took a look at with attention was a wildcat, which somewhat resembled San. When he watched it for a while, it was gnawing a small animal's flesh off bones. Taking out the pack from his pocket, Wooyoung murmured inside. Can you see that? It resembles you much, especially your look of when you were hungry. If I could take out your eyeballs, you could see the whole thing clearly. But I want to keep your body as it is. I know you want to go outside so I decided to cut your hairs a little bit and keep them with me when I go out. That was the only way I could do because I heard that hair can have memories.

Watching the wildcat devouring, for no reason, was such a sensational thing to Wooyoung. As if he became that wildcat, he wanted to devour something inside him―it was San. He licked his lips lightly.

At night, telling what he did on that day, Wooyoung cuddled San's body just like making it warm by giving all the love he had. He nipped San's cold ear. 

**―**

The day after, he went to the cafeteria where San used to go, with San's hair and some sleeping pills prescribed by a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist, with as quiet and kind voice as the vet's one, told him just to take some medicines for his insomnia. About a week later, he was supposed to see her. But he thought there would be no chance to meet her again.

He ordered a cup of strawberry smoothie, which San liked so much during his life. _It is my favorite. I hope you like it too._ When San had said that, Wooyoung had had a sip of it. The taste was too sweet.

On the day that San and Wooyoung shared a cup of strawberry smoothie, they had kissed for the first time in a shadow the streetlamp had cast.   
And on the day Wooyoung bought a cup of strawberry smoothie and drank it up, they had the first sex at San's room. The taste was also too sweet to endure.

A clerk called Wooyoung's name. Here's your order. The clerk smiled routinely. Wooyoung took it and went inside the right corner of the cafe, where a mass of shadow was occupied. Under the orange-colored lighting, Wooyoung took out the pack with San's hairs and a small pack of sleeping pills. He had a sip of the strawberry smoothie. It was less sweet than he had tasted before. Maybe the clerk had put less sugar in it. _I wanted to feel the overly sweet taste._ He was so disappointed.

He opened the pack in which San's hairs were contained and took out one string of hair. It was reddish like a strawberry. A hair, as soon as Wooyoung let it go from his fingers, was fallen into the smoothie and soon sunken like a person drowning. Afterward, he ripped one pill. A pill was also fallen into the smoothie and sunken to the bottom of the cup. He stirred the smoothie with a straw repeatedly, thinking about how they were mixed.

He bit the straw and drank the smoothie until the cup was totally emptied. The taste was not changed and even a little bitter. _씨발._ He cursed with a low and quiet voice. Nothing could be revived, so nothing could be shared again. The taste, feel, and San's smile and sweet voice that remained in Wooyoung's memories.

**―**

On the same day, Wooyoung bought a lollipop on his way home at night. The flavor was the same, a mixed one of strawberry and milk.

Riding on San's body, he tore the wrapper, had the lollipop in his mouth, and sucked it for a while. When the lollipop was out of his mouth with saliva, he parted San's dry lips with his fingers and put it into San's mouth. Moving it in a circle, he asked. Can you feel the taste? Is it good? But there was just a sound of a lollipop jarring against San's solid teeth. Why can't you say something to me? If you feel the taste you like, please speak anything to me. San just kept silent. Wooyoung's lips fell on San's ones and Wooyoung's tongue invaded the inside of San's mouth. Only Wooyoung's saliva wet the inside and he felt that inside of San's mouth was a hole of the void that could never be filled with anything, even the taste of a lollipop once San liked.

The moments he realized everything was in vain gave him only the drastic, unforgettable pain. 

**―**

The day after, he went to the animal hospital again, as San's cat had died. When he taking the cat's corpse, the vet asked, "Are you okay?" He said nothing.

He went to the hill where he could bury it with nobody noticing.  
While digging the frozen ground, all of a sudden, he felt like nobody and nothing was left beside him. Literally, it was a severe solitude and frustration shrouding his back.

On that day he buried the corpse, he took a sleeping pill and fell asleep beside San's body. In his dream, the corpse he buried was not the cat's one―it was San.

**―**

_A handful of sleeping pills inside his pocket._  
_He murmured, "But there must be something I can do."_

**―**

Someday in the past, Wooyoung had read an article that a man falling into the river was rescued. It had reported that he attempted suicide for a certain reason Wooyoung could not remember well and before that, he had failed suicide several times. He asked himself, 'Can I succeed to commit suicide?'

In the dream of that day, he was watching a bridge half of which was sunken into the river. But later he noticed that also he was being sunken into the water like the bridge. Eventually, he was drowned. It felt so happy.

_―_

His shoveling stops. On the spot he dug is a cat's corpse which has already gone rotten so much. He carefully takes it out beside the spot and continues to shovel. Watching the darkness gradually being cleared away and the day breaking, he imagines the figure that he lies beside San's body which is now inside the big trunk. San, the lollipop that I am eating now has the poison. Maybe I will be dead sooner or later. But I want to die beside you. That is all I can do. We are the lovers until the last moment, aren't we?


End file.
